Intimacy and Attachment Theory
The Talk Suite believes that Intimacy and attachment theory are two interconnected concepts that help us understand the dynamics of close relationships. While intimacy refers to the emotional closeness, vulnerability, and deep connection shared between individuals, attachment theory focuses on the patterns of emotional bonding and attachment that develop between people, particularly in the context of early childhood and their impact on relationships later in life.
Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth and others, proposes that early experiences with caregivers shape an individual's internal working models of relationships. These models influence how they approach and engage in relationships throughout their lives. Attachment styles are typically categorized into four main types: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful avoidant.
Secure attachment style: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and can seek support and provide it to their partners. They have a positive view of themselves and others and are generally more trusting and satisfied in relationships.
Anxious-preoccupied attachment style: Individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to worry about the availability and responsiveness of their partners. They often seek reassurance and validation and may exhibit clingy behavior. They may have a negative view of themselves but a positive view of others. Dismissive-avoidant attachment style: Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to be emotionally self-reliant and value independence. They may have difficulties with emotional intimacy, preferring to distance themselves from others. They tend to have a positive view of themselves but a negative view of others.
Fearful-avoidant attachment style: Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style experience a conflicting desire for closeness and fear of rejection or abandonment. They may feel ambivalent about relationships and struggle with trust and emotional vulnerability. They may have a negative view of themselves and others.
These attachment styles are not fixed traits and can be influenced by life experiences and personal growth. Understanding attachment styles can help individuals recognize and address patterns that may be affecting their relationships. Developing a secure attachment style is often associated with healthier and more satisfying relationships.
Intimacy is closely linked to attachment theory, as attachment styles can impact an individual's capacity for emotional closeness and vulnerability. Securely attached individuals are typically more comfortable with intimacy, as they have a positive view of themselves and others and can trust and rely on their partners. However, individuals with anxious, avoidant, or fearful attachment styles may face challenges in developing and maintaining intimacy due to their specific attachment-related fears or behaviors.
Developing healthy intimacy requires open communication, empathy, trust-building, and emotional availability. It involves a willingness to be vulnerable, share emotions, and support each other. Recognizing and understanding one's own attachment style, as well as that of their partner, can contribute to the cultivation of a more secure and intimate bond.
Overall, intimacy and attachment theory provide valuable frameworks for understanding the complexities of human relationships, helping individuals navigate their emotional needs, and fostering deeper connections with others
Understanding the process
Psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, is a therapeutic approach aimed at helping individuals understand and overcome psychological difficulties, emotional challenges, and behavioral problems. It involves a collaborative relationship between a trained therapist and a client, with the goal of promoting personal growth, emotional well-being, and psychological healing.
At the Talk Suite this is how psychotherapy typically works:
The therapist begins by conducting an initial assessment to understand the client's concerns, symptoms, personal history, and goals for therapy. This helps the therapist gain insight into the client's unique experiences and develop an individualized treatment plan.
Establishing a trusting and supportive therapeutic relationship is crucial to build a therapeutic alliance. The therapist creates a safe and nonjudgmental environment where the client feels comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns.
The therapist and client collaboratively identify specific goals for therapy. These goals may involve reducing symptoms (e.g., anxiety, depression), improving relationships, enhancing self-esteem, gaining insight into patterns of behavior, or developing coping strategies.
Psychotherapy involves exploring the client's thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and past experiences to gain a deeper understanding of their concerns. This process helps the client identify underlying causes of distress and gain insight into their patterns of thinking and behavior.
Therapists employ various evidence-based techniques depending on the client's needs and the therapeutic approach used. Some common techniques include cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), psychodynamic therapy, mindfulness-based interventions, family systems therapy, and humanistic approaches.
Therapists often teach clients practical skills and coping strategies to manage their symptoms, regulate emotions, improve communication, or change unhelpful behavior patterns. These skills empower clients to navigate life challenges more effectively.
Psychotherapy provides a supportive and validating space where clients can openly express their feelings and concerns without fear of judgment. The therapist offers empathy, understanding, and validation, which can contribute to the client's healing process.
Throughout therapy, the therapist regularly assesses the client's progress towards their goals. They may adjust treatment strategies, techniques, or goals as needed to ensure therapy remains effective.
Once the client has achieved their therapy goals or feels ready to end treatment, the therapist guides the termination process. This may involve summarizing progress, reflecting on insights gained, and discussing strategies for maintaining progress. Some therapists offer follow-up sessions to provide additional support if needed.
It's important to note that different therapeutic approaches and modalities may have unique variations in their techniques and processes. The duration and frequency of therapy sessions can also vary depending on the client's needs and the therapist's recommendations.
Psychotherapy can help one be curious about who and how they are in the world.
Challenges To Mental Health and Dating Apps
Mental health is an important aspect of overall well-being, and it can have a significant impact on various areas of life, including relationships and dating. For women in the age group of 25-30, dating apps have become a common platform to meet potential partners. While these apps offer convenience and the opportunity to connect with a wide range of people, they can also pose challenges to mental health.
One of the primary challenges that women in this age group may face when using dating apps is the pressure to present themselves in a certain way. In a digital world where appearances and first impressions matter, there can be a tendency to constantly compare oneself to others. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and even anxiety. It is important to remember that dating apps often showcase the highlight reel of people's lives, and it's not a true reflection of their entire personality or worth.
Another mental health concern that can arise from using dating apps is the fear of rejection. It is not uncommon for women to experience a high volume of matches or messages that may not lead to meaningful connections. This constant cycle of swiping, chatting, and potential disappointments can take a toll on mental well-being. It is crucial to approach dating apps with realistic expectations and remember that rejection is a natural part of the process. Developing resilience and practicing self-compassion can help navigate these challenges.
Moreover, excessive use of dating apps can lead to feelings of loneliness and social isolation. Spending excessive time on these platforms can detract from real-life interactions and relationships. It is essential to strike a balance and engage in activities that promote social connection and well-being offline. Setting healthy boundaries and allocating dedicated time for self-care and socializing can contribute positively to mental health.
To promote positive mental health while using dating apps, it can be beneficial for women in this age group to implement self-care practices. Engaging in activities that bring joy, practicing mindfulness or meditation, maintaining a support system of friends and family, and seeking professional help when needed are all valuable strategies. Building a strong sense of self-worth and prioritizing mental well-being will not only enhance the dating experience but also lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
At the Talk Suite we believe, while dating apps can provide opportunities for connections and relationships, it's important for women ages 25-30 to prioritize their mental health. Being mindful of the impact of these platforms on self-esteem, managing expectations, setting boundaries, and practicing self-care are essential for navigating the dating landscape in a way that supports well-being and promotes positive mental health.
Navigating the Stress of Dating and Its Impact on Mental Health
Dating can be an exciting and transformative experience, offering opportunities for connection, companionship, and personal growth. However, it also comes with its fair share of challenges that can trigger stress and take a toll on our mental health. In this blog, we'll explore the various stressors associated with dating and delve into the impact they can have on our emotional well-being. Additionally, we'll discuss strategies for maintaining good mental health while navigating the complexities of the dating world.
The Pressure to Find a Perfect Match
One of the primary stressors in dating is the pressure to find the perfect partner. In today's society, we're bombarded with images of seemingly flawless relationships on social media, movies, and TV shows. This can create unrealistic expectations, leading to self-doubt and anxiety when our own dating experiences don't measure up. It's important to remember that everyone's journey is unique, and comparison can be detrimental to our mental health.
Fear of Rejection
Rejection is an inherent part of the dating process, yet it remains one of the most significant stressors. Whether it's fear of being turned down for a date or the anxiety surrounding the ending of a relationship, the fear of rejection can breed self-doubt and impact our self-esteem. It's essential to recognize that rejection is not a reflection of our worth as individuals and to approach dating with resilience and self-compassion.
Uncertainty and Overthinking
Dating often involves navigating a world of uncertainty. Questions such as "Do they like me?" or "Where is this relationship headed?" can consume our thoughts and contribute to increased stress levels. Overthinking can lead to a cycle of rumination and excessive worry, negatively affecting our mental well-being. Practicing mindfulness and focusing on the present moment can help break free from the trap of overthinking and reduce stress.
Online Dating and Burnout
The rise of online dating has revolutionized the way people meet and connect. While it offers a wider pool of potential partners, it also brings its own set of challenges. The constant swiping, messaging, and evaluating of profiles can lead to dating app fatigue and burnout. This burnout can impact our mental health, resulting in feelings of frustration, disillusionment, and even selfdoubt. It's important to set healthy boundaries, take breaks when needed, and engage in selfcare practices to prevent online dating burnout.
Balancing Dating and Self-Care
When actively dating, it's easy to lose sight of self-care practices that contribute to our overall well-being. The emotional energy invested in dating can leave us feeling drained and neglectful of our own needs. It's crucial to prioritize self-care activities such as exercise, hobbies, spending time with loved ones, and seeking therapy or counseling if necessary. Taking care of ourselves helps maintain a healthy mindset and provides a solid foundation for dating success.
Dating can be an exhilarating but challenging journey, often accompanied by stress and potential impacts on mental health. At The Talk Suite, we can help you acknowledge and address the stressors associated with dating, we can help you navigate the process with greater self-awareness and emotional resilience. Remember to set realistic expectations, practice selfcompassion, and prioritize self-care. With these strategies in place, we can mitigate the stress and protect our mental well-being while embarking on the path to finding love and companionship.
The Importance of the Therapy Space
The therapy space plays a significant role in psychotherapy treatment as it sets the stage for the therapeutic process and can greatly impact the effectiveness of the therapy. At the Talk Suite we believe in person therapy is important for these reasons:
1. Safety and Comfort: The therapy space should provide a safe and comfortable environment where clients feel at ease. This allows them to relax, open up, and share their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or interruption. Creating a secure and welcoming space can enhance the therapeutic relationship and promote trust between the client and the therapist.
2. Confidentiality and Privacy: Confidentiality is a crucial aspect of psychotherapy. The therapy space should be designed to ensure privacy, with soundproofing measures in place to prevent conversations from being overheard. Clients need to have confidence that their personal information and discussions will remain confidential, which encourages them to share openly and honestly.
3. Therapeutic Boundaries: The physical layout of the therapy space helps establish and maintain therapeutic boundaries. The arrangement of furniture, such as having a clear distinction between the client's seat and the therapist's seat, creates a clear role distinction and fosters a sense of professionalism. Boundaries can contribute to a sense of safety and structure within the therapeutic process.
4. Atmosphere and Ambience: The atmosphere of the therapy space can influence the mood and emotional tone of the sessions. It should be designed to promote relaxation, reflection, and introspection. Factors such as lighting, color scheme, temperature, and soothing background music can contribute to creating a conducive environment for therapy.
5. Symbolic Representations: The therapy space can be intentionally designed to include symbolic representations that are meaningful to the client or therapist. For example, artwork, photographs, or objects can be incorporated to evoke certain emotions, memories, or themes relevant to the therapeutic process. These symbolic elements can serve as prompts for discussion or provide a sense of familiarity and connection.
6. Sensory Stimulation: The therapy space should minimize distractions and sensory overload that could interfere with the therapy process. A calm and soothing environment can help clients focus on their thoughts and emotions, facilitating self-reflection and insight. Comfortable seating, appropriate room temperature, and adequate ventilation contribute to a conducive sensory experience.
7. Flexibility and Adaptability: Depending on the therapeutic approach and client needs, the therapy space should be adaptable to accommodate different therapeutic activities or modalities. This might include having space for movement, art materials, or play therapy equipment. A flexible environment allows the therapist to tailor the space to the unique requirements of each client and therapeutic intervention.
Overall, the therapy space serves as a container for the therapeutic relationship and provides a supportive backdrop for the exploration and processing of emotions, thoughts, and experiences. By creating an environment that promotes safety, confidentiality, comfort, and therapeutic engagement, the therapy space can enhance the effectiveness of psychotherapy treatment. The Talk Suite is offering in person sessions because we believe being face to face it is an integral part of psychotherapy.
Mental Health - Prioritizing Our Well-Being
As conversations around mental health continue to gain momentum, it becomes increasingly evident that mental health care deserves the same attention and priority as physical health care. Let's explore the reasons why mental health is so important.
1️ Breaking the Stigma: Historically, mental health has been stigmatized, leading to misconceptions and discrimination. By emphasizing the importance of mental health care, we can challenge these stigmas and create a more inclusive and accepting society. When we prioritize mental health, we encourage open conversations, support, and understanding, allowing individuals to seek the help they need without fear of judgment.
2️ Emotional Well-Being: Our mental health directly impacts our emotional well-being. When we neglect our mental health, it can lead to emotional distress, anxiety, depression, and other psychological challenges. Prioritizing mental health care means dedicating time and resources to understand and manage our emotions effectively. By doing so, we can develop healthy coping mechanisms, improve our emotional resilience, and cultivate overall well-being.
3️ Productivity and Success: Mental health care plays a pivotal role in our ability to function and thrive in various aspects of life, including work, education, and personal relationships. When we invest in mental health, we enhance our cognitive abilities, concentration, and problem-solving skills. By taking care of our mental well-being, we can unlock our full potential and perform at our best, leading to increased productivity and success in all areas of life.
4️ Relationships and Social Connections: Human connections and relationships are fundamental to our happiness and overall satisfaction in life. Mental health care emphasizes the significance of nurturing healthy relationships and establishing strong social connections. By prioritizing mental health, we enhance our communication skills, empathy, and emotional intelligence, fostering deeper and more meaningful connections with others.
5️ Prevention and Early Intervention: Mental health care is not only important for individuals already experiencing mental health issues but also for prevention and early intervention. Regular check-ins and proactive mental health care practices can help identify potential challenges before they escalate. Early intervention ensures that appropriate support and treatment are provided promptly, potentially reducing the severity and duration of mental health issues.
6️ Holistic Well-Being: Optimal well-being cannot be achieved without addressing our mental health. Mental health care promotes a holistic approach to well-being, acknowledging the interconnectedness of our physical, emotional, and psychological states. By integrating mental health care into our overall wellness routines, we can achieve a balanced and fulfilling life.
It is essential for society to recognize the significance of mental health care and to take proactive steps toward its promotion. Governments, institutions, employers, and individuals all have a role to play in creating an environment that prioritizes mental health and ensures accessible and quality care for everyone. Let us embrace a future where mental health care is seen as a basic human right, allowing individuals to thrive and live their lives to the fullest.
At The Talk Suite we believe, seeking support for your mental health is not a sign of weakness but a courageous step towards self-care and personal growth. Together, let's foster a world that values and nurtures mental health, creating a brighter and healthier future. 🌈💚
Couples, Money, and Conflict
At The Talk Suite, we explore the dynamics surrounding couples and money within the context of the therapeutic relationship and the couple's unique circumstances. Here are some key considerations that the therapist pays attention to when working with couples and money.
1.Communication and Conflict Resolution: Psychotherapy can help couples improve their communication skills and develop effective strategies for resolving conflicts related to money. The therapist can create a safe and neutral space for each partner to express their thoughts, emotions, and concerns about financial matters. By improving communication, couples can better understand each other's perspectives and work towards mutually satisfying solutions.
2. Emotional and Behavioral Patterns: Psychotherapy can explore the emotional and behavioral patterns that underlie a couple's financial dynamics. For example, one partner may tend to overspend to cope with stress or emotional difficulties, while the other partner may be overly anxious or controlling about money due to past experiences. By examining these patterns, couples can gain insight into their individual and joint financial behaviors.
3. Values and Beliefs: Therapy provides an opportunity for couples to explore their personal values and beliefs about money and how they align or differ. These underlying values can significantly impact financial decisions and priorities within a relationship. By examining and understanding these values, couples can work towards finding common ground and establishing shared financial goals.
4. Family-of-Origin Issues: The financial dynamics within a couple can be influenced by their family-of-origin experiences and beliefs. Therapists may explore how each partner's family background has shaped their attitudes towards money, spending habits, and financial expectations. By understanding these influences, couples can gain insight into their own financial behaviors and work towards creating healthier dynamics.
5. Financial Stress and Anxiety: Money-related stress and anxiety can significantly impact a couple's relationship. Psychotherapy can provide tools and strategies for managing financial stress and developing healthier coping mechanisms. Therapists may help couples explore their fears and anxieties surrounding money and develop practical skills to reduce financial stressors.
6. Collaborative Decision Making: Psychotherapy can support couples in developing collaborative decision-making processes when it comes to financial matters. This involves actively involving both partners in financial discussions, goal-setting, and problem-solving. Couples can work together to create a financial plan that reflects their shared values and individual needs.
It's important to note that different therapeutic approaches may have different emphases and techniques when working with couples and money. Additionally, The Talk Suite therapists may also address other relevant topics such as financial infidelity, financial dependence, or the impact of socioeconomic factors on the couple's financial dynamics.
Sense of Self
The concepts of true self and false self are central to psychotherapy, particularly within psychodynamic and humanistic approaches. Here are some examples of these concepts and how we at The Talk Suite think about these ideas.
The true self refers to the authentic, genuine, and core aspects of an individual's personality. It represents the person's innate desires, values, and potentials. The true self is characterized by a sense of authenticity, autonomy, and congruence with one's own values and emotions. When individuals are in touch with their true self, they experience a sense of wholeness and fulfillment.
The false self, on the other hand, is a persona or mask that individuals create in response to external expectations, social pressures, and early life experiences. It is a defensive mechanism that aims to protect the true self and gain acceptance or approval from others. The false self may involve presenting oneself in a way that conforms to societal norms, suppressing authentic emotions, or adopting roles and behaviors that are not congruent with one's true desires.
In psychotherapy, the exploration of the true self and false self can be a central focus. They can be addressed in different therapeutic perspectives.
Psychodynamic Perspective:
Within psychodynamic therapy, the true self and false self are examined through the lens of unconscious processes, early childhood experiences, and defense mechanisms. The therapist helps clients explore the ways in which their false self-developed as a coping mechanism in response to early relational experiences. By uncovering and understanding these patterns, individuals can work towards integrating their true self into their conscious experience and living more authentic lives.
Humanistic Perspective:
Humanistic therapies, such as person-centered therapy, emphasize the importance of congruence between the true self and the individual's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The therapist provides a supportive and non-judgmental environment for clients to explore their authentic experiences and values. The focus is on helping individuals develop self-awareness, self-acceptance, and a sense of personal responsibility, enabling them to align their lives with their true self.
Integrative Perspective:
Many therapists incorporate both psychodynamic and humanistic approaches, recognizing the interplay between unconscious processes and conscious awareness. In integrative therapy, therapists may help clients explore their false self and its underlying motivations while also supporting the development and expression of their true self. This integration allows individuals to live more authentic lives while acknowledging the historical and relational factors that shaped their false self.
Ultimately, the exploration of the true self and false self in therapy aims to help individuals move towards greater authenticity, self-acceptance, and a more fulfilling and congruent way of being in the world. By understanding and integrating these concepts, clients can experience personal growth, improved relationships, and a stronger sense of identity.
Human Connection Helps to Alleviate Loneliness
Loneliness is a universal experience that has been felt by every human being at one point or another. It is a feeling of isolation and disconnection that can be both physical and emotional. While loneliness is often viewed as a negative experience, it is also a powerful emotion that can lead to profound personal growth and self-discovery.
Loneliness can be experienced in different ways. It can come from a lack of social connections, a feeling of being misunderstood, or simply from not having someone to share our lives with. It can be a difficult emotion to face, but it is important to remember that we are not alone in feeling this way.
One aspects of loneliness is that it can feel like we are the only ones experiencing it. We might look around at the people in our lives and see them all seemingly happy and content, which can make us feel even more isolated. However, the reality is that everyone experiences loneliness at some point in their lives, even those who seem to have it all.
Despite the pain that comes with loneliness, it can also be a catalyst for growth and change. When we are alone with our thoughts and feelings, we have the opportunity to reflect on ourselves and our lives. We can learn to become curious and develop a deeper understanding of our emotions and motivations. This self-awareness can lead to greater personal growth and a stronger sense of purpose.
Loneliness can also teach us the value of human connection. When we feel disconnected from others, we realize how important it is to have people in our lives who support and care for us. It can motivate us to seek out new relationships and deepen the ones we already have.
Loneliness is a complex emotion that is often difficult to face. However, it is important to remember that we are not alone in feeling this way. It is a universal experience that can be a catalyst for personal growth and allow us to evolve. While it can be a painful experience, it can also teach us the value of human connection and the importance of seeking out meaningful relationships in our lives.
At The Talk Suite, we are seeing people in person. It is our belief that face to face, human connection, helps to combat loneliness.
Is all Talk Therapy the Same?
All psychology is dependent on talk. Talk from the client and talk from the therapist. But the meaning of talk and the amount of talk done by therapist and client vary by the psychological theory behind it. Take for instance, narrative psychology. It is a field in psychology that investigates the value of stories and storytelling by the client. In such a therapeutic setting the therapist encourages the client to tell or narrate their own stories, especially about issues that cause them a great deal of emotional distress. As with all stories there is a plot and a sequence of events. How clients link certain events and in what sequence helps them, in collaboration with the therapist, to provide meaning to the narratives that emerge. The repetition of certain themes over time helps uncover the ways in which their narratives influence their thinking, feelings, and behavior. The therapist’s role is to help the client change problematic narratives into healthier ones, or, put another way, to teach clients how to create alternative stories by “re-telling” older ones in a more productive way. The therapist does so by using the language and “talk” that the client presents when telling their stories. Often the therapist will help the client to break down what appears to be an overwhelmingly problematic story, one which may have existed for a long time, into a smaller set of stories. Perhaps what is most distinctive about narrative psychology is that the therapist and client “talk” of the problematic issues as if they exist outside of the storytellers not within them. Therefore, unlike other therapeutic approaches, narrative therapy is not interested in diagnosing individuals (no use of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders during any point of the therapy) since the client and the problem are seen as separate. The goal of narrative psychology is to get the client to “re-author” or “re-story” their experiences by making a whole new productive one; to change unhelpful stories about themselves and others to better cope with distressing situations.
In contrast, Psychoanalytic therapy, a form of in-depth talk therapy aims to bring unconscious or deeply buried internal thoughts and feelings to the conscious mind. In this case interaction between therapist and client encourages the client to reveal repressed experiences and emotions, often from childhood, by “talking” those feelings to the surface and examining them together. In the main, the talk between client and the therapist rests on the client freely sharing any thoughts, words, or feelings that come to mind; the subject matter is the client’s choice and talking about dreams is encouraged. In- depth talk therapy requires that the therapist pay attention not so much to the specific stories their clients tell, but to the patterns of presentation and the feelings and emotions the client reveals through such storied talk. And while the subject matter is the choice of the client, the therapist, as the expert, uses diagnostic guidelines to engage in a rehabilitative therapy. By encouraging what is called a process of transference (where the client transfers their feelings for a person to the therapist), in-depth talk therapy helps the client to reflect on the internally located sources of their distress. The goal is to free clients’ psychic energy and thereby give them more control over how they respond to their emotions. In so doing the hope is that clients are enabled to engage in a more mature and productive life. Psychoanalytic therapy rests less on talk perse and more on the analysts’ deep empathy with their clients.
By comparing these two approaches (there are of course major variations and many more psychological approaches) we can see how talk in the therapeutic setting works in different ways. Narrative therapy does not aim to change a person, rather it allows each client to become an expert in their own lives in learning how to “re-author or re-story” their problematic experiences in a positive way. In contrast, psychoanalytic psychology raises the consciousness of the client through a very different experience (often using transference to the therapist). As the diagnostic expert the psychoanalytic therapist focuses less on the stories clients tell about themselves and more on the way those stories are told and the feelings and emotions the stories evoke. While the narrative therapist holds that clients “know” where their distress and discomfort rest and work as a collaborative partner with the client; the psychoanalytic therapist focuses on the very issues about which the client may be least cognizant. Each therapist engages in “talk” in different ways: the psychoanalyst uses talk less as a substantive revelation and more about the ways in which it is rendered by the client; for the narrative psychologist stories by the client are therapeutically critical.
Both kinds of therapists are sensitive to the idea that “talk” is always conditioned by larger societal and political issues which in turn are intertwined with gender, class, race, and sexual identities. Which kind of talk is more effective? This is a hard question to answer. The data are limited. Because narrative psychology is still rather new, especially in contrast to psychoanalytic therapy, there are few studies to evaluate its efficacy. However, large scale studies have shown that psychoanalytic therapy is effective in leading to lasting improvements in depressive and anxiety symptoms. Irrespective of the approach, talk is essential for any therapeutic setting.
4 Things Psychoanalysis Got Right About Love and Sex
Whenever psychoanalysis comes up in conversation with a therapist, people usually say, “you mean that Freud guy, right? Aren’t his ideas a thing of the past?” In some ways, sure – he had some misogynistic views about women, for one (for example, that their lives were driven by sexual reproductive functions and “penis envy”) – but while they may seem antiquated today, these views were considered normal, or even progressive, back then.
There are, however, a number of theories that Freud and other psychoanalysts developed that are still spot on, particularly where romance is concerned. Here are four things that psychoanalysis got right about love and sex:
1.WE REACT TO OUR PARTNERS THE WAY WE REACT TO OUR PARENTS
Transference is the experience of reacting to someone the way that you might have reacted to an earlier love object (like a parent), even though both the person and the situation now are entirely different. This is a common occurrence in the psychotherapeutic space between patient and therapist, but it can, and does, happen in any relationship, and probably in romantic relationships more than any other. The disappointment we feel when our partner lets us down reminds us of ways in which our parents let us down; fear of our partner abandoning us may stem from abandonment we felt from a parent; and so we respond accordingly. Awareness of these connections help us respond differently.
2. Sex isn’t just about sex
In psychoanalysis, we talk a lot about drives – one being the libido, and the other being aggression. However, distilling libido down to simply just “sex” does a disservice not only to the drive of libido, but to sex writ large. Simply put, libido is the drive for all kinds of pleasure or desire: sexual satisfaction, a good meal, a warm bed, emotional closeness, feeling safe and secure. When we think about why people have sex, it isn’t just for bodily gratification, but also for intimacy, communication, control, letting go. You can’t deny that Freud got it right there.
3. Ambivalence in relationships is normal
Feeling 100% love for our partner all the time may sound idyllic, but the truth is that it’s not realistic or healthy. Object relations psychoanalyst Melanie Klein noted that this is present in us from the very beginning as soon as it dawns on us as infants that our parents are separate entities from us, and within them lies not only good, happy feelings, but negative feelings as well including the power to deny us what we need (food, warmth, love). We can get that same split off feelings with our romantic partners too, but we learn to hold the good and the bad together to develop a full and complete picture of who our partner is.
4. Love gets modeled to us from a young age
What we experience as a “normal” love relationship in childhood (namely, how we see our parents show love to each other) becomes our normal in adulthood, even if that normalcy is, in actuality, not so healthy. Take fighting, for example – some fighting in relationships is normal and healthy, but if we experience frequent knock-down, drag-out fights as love between our parents, then that’s the kind of volatility you might seek in your own relationships. In fact, it might mean that if you encounter a romantic partner with whom you don’t have knock-down, drag-out fights, you may feel like maybe this person doesn’t love you all that much because they’re not showing it the way that it was demonstrated to you by your parents. Only through exploring these patterns of thought and behavior can we break the cycle.
Curious how this applies to you? Reach out to The Talk Suite Psychotherapy to get started. We offer individual and couples therapy to help clients gain a better understanding of themselves and their place in the world. This leads to positive change in the realm of romantic relationships, dating, intimacy, and sex. Schedule an appointment with us today.
5 Ways to Navigate Family Conflict — During the Holiday, and Any Day
Spending time with family can be a joyful and fulfilling experience, but no family is totally without drama. Add to that the additional stress and obligations of the holiday season like shopping for gifts, cooking for a crowd, and the inevitable conversations about politics and social issues, and conflict is bound to make an appearance (especially after an eggnog or two).
Family conflict can be stressful, or sometimes triggering, but there are ways to make it more tolerable or even, in some cases, repair old ruptures. Here are five ways to navigate family conflict and have a happier, and mentally healthier, holiday season.
Know your triggers
One of the things that our families can be very adept at is knowing which of our buttons to push. Sometimes this is done in a playful way, and sometimes it’s meant to provoke. There is an old Greek adage that goes, “knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom,” and it’s particularly useful in considering how we handle triggering moments. If we identify our own triggers first, we can learn how to prevent ourselves from responding to them. Practice ways that you can redirect the conversation toward another topic to avoid getting heated and from giving your triggers (and your family) the power.
Refrain from reacting
If you do find yourself getting riled up by a relative, take a minute to pause and suss out the situation. Ask yourself what you’re reacting to and what you’re feeling. Often, when we react with a certain emotion, it’s because our fight or flight response is engaged. We may be unconsciously recalling little traumas that were never fully processed, and even though we’re now in a different situation, we’re still having the same reaction. Encourage yourself to stay in the present and distinguish between what is happening now from the old hurts so that cooler heads can prevail.
Practice active listening
When it comes to weighing intent versus impact, it is impact at the end of the day that matters, because that’s what hurts. At the same time, many people don’t know that what they’re saying is hurtful. Allow yourself to pause and listen in conversations with your antagonistic aunt or your grudge-loving grandpa and, if possible, identify the intent behind what they’re saying. Are they communicating their own feelings of anger, hurt, or loneliness? Try responding to this, instead of the content of their words, to protect your own peace.
Bring a buffer
As the saying goes, there’s safety in numbers. Find a friend, romantic partner, or another family member who you feel safe with who’s willing to act as your emotional support person until the festivities are over. If you feel comfortable, come up with a “signal” you can send them when you need them to come to your rescue and get you out of an uncomfortable or tense situation. At the very least, having the reassurance of somebody there who always has your back can empower you to hold your own if conflict does arise.
Maintain firm boundaries
Whether it comes to topics of conversation, how and when you like to be touched, or unsolicited advice, your relatives don’t get a pass with which to violate your boundaries just because it’s the holidays. And while it can be tempting to avoid confronting others about it (“I don’t want to get into it over the holidays”), staying silent can create more conflict — in the relationship, and within yourself. Practice ways that you can firmly but gently shut down behaviors that make you uncomfortable. For example, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk about my weight,” or “let’s save the political discussions for after the holidays.”
You don’t need to give an explanation or justify yourself, even if asked, and if “let’s just move on” doesn’t put an end to it, you always have the option to remove yourself from the room. Your presence, during a holiday or any day, is a powerful tool, and you have every right to revoke the privilege of your company if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
If navigating conflict is an area you are looking to improve and explore, Talk Suite therapists are here to help you through it. We offer both individual therapy and family therapy to help family members improve communication and resolve conflicts. Reach out today to schedule an appointment.
There’s a Surprising Cause of Depression That Has Nothing to Do With Sadness
If you’ve never gone through a depressive episode, you may know someone who has or you may have seen it on TV — the hallmark symptoms of sadness, lethargy, numbness, hopelessness, bouts of crying, lack of interest in normal pleasurable activities. There are many reasons that lead to depression from chemical imbalances in the brain to vitamin deficiencies to grief. But one psychodynamic theory about the root cause of depression may surprise you, as it has nothing to do with sadness at all.
In his seminal work Mourning and Melancholia, Sigmund Freud makes a case for depression as a manifestation of the direction of anger. When we mourn the loss of a loved one, we are angry that they have left us, and the anger is directed at the lost love object even though they are no longer there to receive the anger. When we feel melancholia (depression), we are angry at someone who is still in our lives, but we cannot, or will not, direct the anger at them, and so the anger gets turned against the self.
If you’re wondering how this happens and what it might look like in the real world, picture this. Imagine that your parents promised they would go to your baseball game, but by the ninth inning they still hadn’t shown up — they got stuck in traffic, or got held up at work, or they forgot, and they feel awful about it… but they still weren’t there. Instead of telling them how angry and hurt you felt by their broken promise, you tell them not to worry, that it wasn’t important anyway and they didn’t miss anything. Maybe you even convince yourself that you’re not mad or upset. Oftentimes we feel like we can’t get angry with significant figures in our lives because it is off-limits or too threatening to us. We may have been exposed to messages growing up that if we get angry with our love objects, we risk losing them. This is a scary thought, especially if we still depend on them to survive, as we do when we are kids. Or, we unconsciously fear that our anger will be too much to bear and will destroy the people we care about.
If you couldn’t react or express anger in childhood, you may continue to suppress it later in life, even when it happens as a natural response to unjust circumstances. So instead we channel the anger inward and, in turn, it manifests as depression. But just because we don’t allow ourselves to feel an emotion doesn’t mean that it’s not there; it doesn’t mean that it will go away. The emotion always has to go somewhere, even if the somewhere is within ourselves fueling shame, harsh self criticism, and self-punishment – all of which often happen with depression.
The job of therapy is to help tap into unresolved anger and talk about it, process it, and give it somewhere else to go. That doesn’t mean calling up our parents and yelling at them for missing our baseball game. Sometimes even just acknowledging that you felt angry, and that anger is okay, is liberating work. Getting to the heart of the issue is where real change happens. Talk Suite therapists can offer more insight on the possible causes. Contact us today to get started.
5 Ways to Support Women’s Mental Health
According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, more than one in five women in the United States have, or will have, experienced mental health issues at some point in their lifetime. These issues can range from depression and anxiety to bipolar, eating disorders, OCD, and trauma. Women can often be overlooked when it comes to getting support — or even taken seriously — for these issues, which, if left untreated, can have significant and ongoing consequences including hospitalization, substance abuse, and suicide. With that in mind, it’s important to make sure that we support the mental health of our female-identified family, friends, and colleagues, and here are five ways to do just that.
1. Listen and validate women’s experiences
One of the reasons that many women don’t feel supported is because they feel like no one will believe what they have to say (or they may have already been told as much by someone they were hoping could help). This is because women have historically been classified as “hysterical,” dramatic, exaggerating, or attention-seeking by society, and the fear that this could be extended to us when we have our own struggles is very real. So when women report that they aren’t feeling like themselves, or they’re dealing with something painful or heavy, listen to what they’re telling you and validate their emotions. It’s a major way to make sure someone feels heard.
2. Gain an understanding of intersectionality
Being a woman is just one aspect of a person’s identity, but a woman could also be a Black woman, a Jewish woman, a queer woman, a transgender woman — different identities that can intersect and create richer and sometimes more complex (in positive and negative ways) interactions with the world. Make sure you remind yourself that one woman’s experience may not be the same as another woman’s experience just because they share a gender, and that these experiences are also influenced by other identity parts so that you can avoid making assumptions or generalizing how someone might feel.
3. Allow women to be their true selves
Many women feel like they have to fit a certain script of how to behave at home, at work, and out in their communities. Give them space and permission to express who they truly are so they don’t feel stifled by supposed gender norms, and ditch any stereotypes you might have about women. When someone feels free to be fully themselves it means stronger social connections, feeling more grounded, and increased self-esteem and confidence.
4. Support ALL aspects of women’s health
Mental health is influenced by other aspects of health in general, including physical and reproductive health (the overturning of Roe v. Wade is having a huge impact on women’s mental health as we speak, for example). Women deserve to make choices about their own bodies and health. Ask yourself what you can do to back that message, and if you’re not sure, the Center for Reproductive Rights created a toolkit to point you in the right direction.
5. Make formal sources of support available
People of all genders are shown to be happier and more productive when they have a formal network of support available. Sometimes that can be a support group, a church, an employee assistance program at work, or a licensed therapist. Talk Suite therapists are well-versed in women’s mental health issues and are available to provide support directly to individuals or act as a referral resource for companies seeking high-quality psychotherapy for their employees. Contact us to learn more.
That Summertime Sadness: Seasonal Affective Disorder After Winter
Most people who experience Seasonal Affective Disorder, aka seasonal depression or “the winter blues,” feel it in the colder weather months. And there’s a reason for that — freezing temps drive people indoors, which tends to mean less socializing. Not only that, but fewer hours of daylight typically leads to a dip in vitamin D levels like those often found in people with SAD. But seasonal depression can happen in any season of the year, including summer. While the “reverse-SADs” haven’t been studied nearly as extensively as its frosty counterpart, various sources report that anywhere from one to three in 10 people experiencing SAD may get that summertime sadness.
The difference between summer SAD and winter SAD
Summer SAD and winter SAD may share a name, but they deviate at a number of the symptoms. A groundbreaking 1987 study of 12 individuals with reverse seasonal affective disorder out of the National Institute for Mental Health revealed that the two afflictions can actually present very differently. While winter SAD sufferers tend to struggle with oversleeping, overeating, and lethargy, summer SAD sufferers face the opposite — insomnia, loss of appetite, and agitation. The exact causes aren’t known; some experts attribute the symptoms to heat or humidity, or the absence of one’s usual structured schedule (school’s out for summer!), or possibly allergies from pollen. Some even attribute it to the stress of social pressures from friends or family urging you to be excited about the summer season when the feeling just isn’t there. For some people, summer is a bummer.
Stick to a routine
Just because the causes aren’t exactly known doesn’t mean that there aren’t ways to treat it. Whatever the season, try to stick to a routine as much as possible. See friends, exercise for those endorphins, and stay hydrated. If going outside makes you feel worse, seek cooler places — movie theaters, restaurants, swimming pools.
How The Talk Suite can help
For most people, a change in routine isn’t enough. If you are struggling, you can work with a psychotherapist at The Talk Suite to explore your feelings and address the root of the depression. Curiosity and remaining open to self-awareness is really the best antidote to depression. It is very likely that the particular timing of a depressive episode has roots in something deeper: does summer have a significance? Perhaps there is a connection between summer and negative messages we received from family about the way that our bodies looked in warmer-weather clothing. Perhaps summer meant losing touch with friends from the school year, and increased loneliness. Use this time as an opportunity to gain insight into where these feelings come from and focus on what you can learn from them. And remember, fall is right around the corner.
How to Support Your LGBTQ+ Loved Ones
According to the 2021 Gallup poll, more American adults identify as LGBTQ than ever before — 7.1% to be exact, which is up from 3.5% back when Gallup first ran the survey in 2012. And of adult gen-Zers alone, over 20% reported some form of queer identity.
But in spite of this uptrending data, more than a third of LGBTQ Americans reported facing discrimination in one form or another, according to the Center for American Progress. As queer people, we need to know that we are not out here fending for ourselves — that despite the discrimination that we might face out in the world, we still have the love and support of our families and those close to us. For those of you reading this who are not queer, chances are you have at least one queer-identifying loved one in your life, and here are six ways to show that you support them.
1. Use inclusive language
Without even knowing it, the language we use to address others can be alienating to people of certain gender identities or sexual orientations — and often unnecessarily so. Group terms like “guys,” “girls,” or “ladies,” might inadvertently exclude someone who might not identify in that way (even if they “look” like it). Instead, try using language that doesn’t belong to any gender, like “folks,” “people,” “friends,” or “y’all.” The same applies for individuals: even if you think you know the pronouns that someone uses, ask anyway. Making a habit out of shifting the way you use language to encompass a broader range of identities is supportive to your LGBTQ loved ones and the community as a whole.
2. Don’t interrogate how someone feels
A big part of queerness is the arrival to it. For some, it can take a while to get there, while for others, there may appear to be a more sudden awakening. However the process goes for your loved ones, don’t question it or demand explanation. A queer person does not owe you an explanation or justification of their sexuality or gender expression, and it can be invalidating to expect it. Meet them where they’re at right now, and remind yourself that gender and sexuality is a fluid spectrum, so how they feel may or may not remain that way, and that’s okay.
3. Encourage them to find their community
There are some things that a lot of queer people feel like they can’t talk about with their straight, cisgender friends and family. This might feel hurtful or upsetting but it is not personal. Some things just feel more comfortable, even safer, for queer people to talk about with other queer people. Encourage your LGBTQ loved ones to engage with their community, and let them know that you are available if they need you.
4. Acknowledge when you mess up
Being a supportive friend, relative, or partner to a queer person means acknowledging when you say the wrong thing, and this will happen. Don’t defend yourself, rationalize, or justify the mistake; admit that it was just that — a mistake. Because even mistakes with good intentions can have a harmful impact on the person on the other end. A supportive way to say this might be, “I realize that what I said was hurtful. I’m sorry, and I’m going to do better moving forward.”
5. Give them the freedom to find themselves in their own time
There is no right or wrong way to come out or explore your queer identity, and often the process is not a linear one. Give your LGBTQ loved one the space and freedom to get there on their own and offer your support and encouragement as needed. It’s a delicate balance between being supportive and being invasive, so let them take the lead and tell you what they need and when.
6. Honor their decision to seek affirming sources of support
Just because a queer person decides to see a therapist, attend a support group, or get other sources of affirmation for who they are does not mean that they don’t feel affirmed or supported by you! The more support that LGBTQ folks can get, the better for them as individuals and for the community as a whole. Talk Suite therapists are experienced in addressing issues related to gender and sexuality with patients and are available for support during Pride Month and every month. Setup an appointment today.
Understanding and Unpacking ‘Little-t Trauma’
“Trauma” is a word that often gets thrown around pretty casually, but how do we actually define it? And moreover, what impact can it have on who we are, how we live, and how we function?
According to the American Psychological Association, trauma is the emotional response that people have to a distressing event, particularly one that threatens their life or safety (think natural disasters, car accidents, assaults). Traumatic experiences can cause significant distress, nightmares, flashbacks, and other psychological or physiological symptoms. For those suffering from trauma, it can be difficult to cope with day-to-day life. But these types of “big-T” traumatic experiences, like assault or abuse, are not the only kinds of experiences that can be classified as traumatic. In order to recognize all the different types of experiences that can cause difficult feelings after the fact, it’s important to expand the definition of trauma to include the more insidious “little-t” trauma.
Little-t trauma is less obvious than big-T trauma, which is sometimes the precursor to a diagnosis of PTSD. Events that lead to little-t trauma are still painful to someone who experiences them—think early life experiences, such as unmet needs, emotionally distant parents and not being seen, heard and valued as a unique individual. Even though there isn’t the same physical threat to a person’s safety, little-t trauma events can still be just as psychologically damaging as big-T ones. Little-t trauma events are often at the root of anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and relationship issues, and yet they are more likely to get brushed over—by the person experiencing them, family and friends, or even health care providers. The feelings around them accumulate and can linger, sometimes popping up at random or inopportune moments. For example, imagine that you are trying to reach your spouse to tell them something really important but they’re not available just then. You might get a burst of anxiety, anger, or sadness. Or maybe you tell yourself, “they don’t really care about me,” even though you know, deep down, that they’ve always been there for you. These types of feelings, which often don’t match the reality of the situation, may come from past experiences, like not having your parents’ attention when you needed it. That’s little-t trauma at work.
Effective trauma therapy needs to address little-t trauma
The reason that many therapy clients struggle with little-t trauma isn’t because they don’t believe what happened to them was painful. More often, they feel the events that led to the trauma weren’t “serious enough” to cause the difficult feelings they feel down the road. Those who can establish and recognize the link between past events and current emotions gain the ability to truly heal and have healthier relationships and responses to life events.
Therapists at The Talk Suite Psychotherapy help clients connect the dots so they can break old, destructive thought and behavior patterns and make real change in their life. To learn more about how to gain a better understanding of why you feel the way you do, contact us to book an appointment today.
It’s Not About the Food, It’s About the Feeling: What Eating Disorders Are Really Trying to Tell Us
According to the National Eating Disorders Association, there are three broad areas of eating-disorder recovery: physical recovery, meaning treating the ways that the body may have suffered physically from disordered eating; behavioral recovery, meaning changing attitudes and behaviors around food and exercise; and psychological recovery, which is the most difficult to describe and, perhaps, to understand. We psychotherapists who work with people with eating disorders or body image issues acknowledge that these clients may obsess over calories, pounds, and clothing sizes, but that the root of the problem runs deeper than that. It’s not really about the food, but about the unconscious feelings that manifest as eating disorders.
What is it, then, that eating disorders are really trying to tell us? From a psychodynamic point of view, eating disorders are a manifestation of emotions that may be too threatening to convey, or even feel. In working with many of his patients who struggled with anorexia, the psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud theorized that young women unconsciously expressed their fears of puberty and motherhood through anorexic behaviors. In modern psychodynamic theory, the unconscious feelings aren’t typically so gendered and role-based as this, but the idea remains the same: that the person struggling with the eating disorder isn’t really trying to lose weight, isn’t really trying to obtain some specific outcome, because that outcome ultimately never ends up being enough. No matter how much weight that person loses, no matter how many miles they run or how much they restrict, they always feel that there is more to lose, more to run, more to restrict. An unattainable goal is a clear indication that something else is behind eating disordered behaviors other than just being dissatisfied with one’s body.
There isn’t any one feeling in particular that can manifest as an eating disorder. Feelings ranging from anger to grief to anxiety can all present as behaviors or beliefs around food, weight, and body image. In many ways, eating disordered behaviors are born of obsessive compulsive disorder, as there is a fixation on what is allowed, what isn’t allowed, and anxiety if certain rules are not adhered to.
Here’s an example: Picture a child who was told their whole life to stay quiet, stay out of the way, not to make trouble, to be good. When the child becomes an adult, they develop a belief that they are overweight (even if they aren’t) and make it their goal to lose weight, get smaller. This person, who internalized the belief that being seen and taking up space are bad, has now begun to make themselves smaller, to take up less space, to figuratively, if not literally, try to disappear from sight. This person may be expressing feelings of anger, guilt, and shame as an eating disorder.
The actress Portia de Rossi wrote an entire memoir, “Unbearable Lightness,” about her struggle with anorexia which stemmed from her deep-seated self-loathing (read: eating disorder as anger, self punishment) and an attempt to conceal her sexual orientation (read: eating disorder as shame, fear of rejection). De Rossi also acknowledges the immense pressures that the entertainment industry puts on performers to obtain a certain look, but it’s not the media that causes the eating disorder. The feelings often have always been there, long before the eating disordered behaviors began; it’s just that now the feelings have found something to glom onto, an outlet of expression without having to actually have to feel them.
Recovering from an eating disorder is one of the most challenging journeys that people with body-image issues may ever encounter. It takes dedication, jumping head-first into the unknown, and tackling some of your worst fears. If you or someone you know is struggling with eating disordered thoughts or behaviors, you can seek out professional help and support here. For the freedom of recovery, it’s worth it.
Part 2: Are You Enmeshed With Your Partner? (And What Does That Mean?)
Have you ever dated someone who gave you the feeling of “losing yourself” in the relationship? You might have been part of an enmeshed couple.
Enmeshed couples are incredibly common and are even romanticized in media (you’ve probably seen celebrity couples given cutesy tabloid names like “Bennifer” for Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, or “Brangelina” for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie). But what happens to the individuals in the couple when the couple becomes enmeshed?
What it looks like
To understand enmeshment, it’s important to explore the patterns of interactions within your family of origin. Some families lack appropriate boundaries with one another, become overly dependent on each other, and feel threatened by the separation/individuation of individuals in the family. Those who grew up in an enmeshed family are more apt to re-create unhealthy relationships as they get older (check out Part 1 of this blog series for common signs of enmeshed families).
Similarly, enmeshed couples lose their individualities and morph into a “we”, often with one person or the other speaking for the two of them as a single unit (e.g., “we love that restaurant… we hate that band”). When one half of the couple steps outside of the dyad, it is often met with accusations of betrayal, or seen as an indication that the person wants out. One or both people in the couple may become more concerned with pleasing their partner and put that person’s needs and feelings above their own. Enmeshed relationships may look super close to some even like the perfect couple — but on the inside there can be codependence, separation anxiety, depression, loss of individuality, and anger.
But enmeshment does not mean the end of the relationship! Just because you and your partner exhibit some qualities of an enmeshed couple doesn’t mean you can’t detangle yourselves from it.
How to change the dynamic
Reframe the way that you and your partner relate to one another. Make it okay for you and your partner to do things separately. If your partner really wants to see a movie that doesn’t interest you, encourage them to go anyway, whether alone or with someone else. Make this a practice for yourself for your own interests as well.
See other people; cultivate other relationships with family and friends outside of your partner. Get to know them as you and give them the opportunity to know you outside the context of your relationship.
Don’t be afraid to voice your own opinions. You don’t have to agree with everything your partner says, or like all the same things, to have a healthy relationship. In fact, it’s healthy to have diverging interests at times. Demonstrate to your partner that you can disagree on things and maintain a strong bond.
Learn to focus on yourself. Pay attention to your feelings and decide what you need for yourself to feel whole in your life outside of your partner. Being in an enmeshed relationship can take a toll on your sense of independence, other relationships, and your overall mental health.
Change doesn’t come overnight. If you’re having trouble breaking old habits, it can be helpful to get support from a mental health professional. Therapists are trained to help you explore these difficulties and the enmeshment itself and help process the feelings that come along with it. Couples therapy can also help you and your partner process enmeshment behaviors together in a safe space. Contact us today to get the support that you, your partner, or both of you need.
Part 1: Are You Enmeshed With Your Family? (And What Does That Mean?)
While being close with your family is considered by many people to be a good thing, there’s a fine line between being close and being too close.
Enmeshment occurs when family members lack appropriate boundaries with one another, become overly dependent on each other, and feel threatened by the separation/individuation of individuals in the family. Enmeshed families typically move and act as a unit, as a “we”; when one family member tries to assert their independence, it is often discouraged, or even shunned. Enmeshed families may look happy and “perfect” from the outside, but on the inside there can be codependence, anxiety, depression, guilt, and anger.
Families are the most likely to become enmeshed, but enmeshment can happen in any relationship: romantic, platonic, and even professional. What enmeshment looks like may differ from family to family, and also depends on cultural differences and norms, but some common signs of enmeshment may include:
Expectations from your family to do certain things, act a certain way, or fulfill certain family obligations
Feelings of guilt if you don’t spend enough time with them, or for putting yourself, your work, or your friends first sometimes
Lack of respect for personal boundaries, such as wanting to know about every aspect of your life or where you are at all times; or family members sharing information with you that you would prefer not to know
Feeling a lack of identity, a lack of motivation, or feeling directionless or aimless
Difficulties in saying “no” to family
Threat of being excommunicated — physically or emotionally — if you disappoint them
Being discouraged from doing something different from them, or from what they want you to do
Ignoring what you want in favor of making them happy
But the biggest sign of enmeshment is the way that you feel about your family’s closeness. Some people are very, very close with their family, and they are happy with this. However, this level of closeness, for others, can create feelings like the ones described above, and they can become trapped in it. There’s only one way out of these kinds of entanglements, and that’s creating, and asserting, healthier boundaries. It’s not easy, especially if the enmeshment has been going on for a while, but it can be done.
Families need healthy boundaries
First try asking yourself what kinds of behaviors you are and aren’t okay with. Maybe talking about dating with your family feels okay, but talking with them about sex makes you uncomfortable. Maybe getting phone calls from them every day feels overwhelming, but once or twice a week feels like just enough. Once you decide where you want to draw the line, communicate this clearly to your family. You may get some pushback, and that’s normal. Stick to your guns and explain calmly that these boundaries will actually help you improve your relationships with your family.
Frame your boundaries in the first-person — telling them “you call me too much and it’s overwhelming” might lead to defensiveness or guilt-tripping. Instead, try saying “it feels better for me to talk only once or twice a week.” You can give a more detailed explanation if they press, but you don’t have to; you don’t owe it to them. Separating and individuating from your family starts in adolescence and is a normal, healthy process. Having a full and rich life with friends, a job, hobbies, and other sources of pleasure outside of family relationships makes the family relationships themselves richer.
Addressing enmeshment in therapy
If setting boundaries still feels difficult, try getting support from friends or seeing a mental health professional. Therapists are trained to help you explore these difficulties and the enmeshment itself, and help process feelings of guilt, anger, anxiety, and depression. Liberating yourself from enmeshment may take some time, but it’s possible and gets easier as you go. Contact us today to connect with a therapist and break free from enmeshment.