5 Ways to Navigate Family Conflict — During the Holiday, and Any Day
Spending time with family can be a joyful and fulfilling experience, but no family is totally without drama. Add to that the additional stress and obligations of the holiday season like shopping for gifts, cooking for a crowd, and the inevitable conversations about politics and social issues, and conflict is bound to make an appearance (especially after an eggnog or two).
Family conflict can be stressful, or sometimes triggering, but there are ways to make it more tolerable or even, in some cases, repair old ruptures. Here are five ways to navigate family conflict and have a happier, and mentally healthier, holiday season.
Know your triggers
One of the things that our families can be very adept at is knowing which of our buttons to push. Sometimes this is done in a playful way, and sometimes it’s meant to provoke. There is an old Greek adage that goes, “knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom,” and it’s particularly useful in considering how we handle triggering moments. If we identify our own triggers first, we can learn how to prevent ourselves from responding to them. Practice ways that you can redirect the conversation toward another topic to avoid getting heated and from giving your triggers (and your family) the power.
Refrain from reacting
If you do find yourself getting riled up by a relative, take a minute to pause and suss out the situation. Ask yourself what you’re reacting to and what you’re feeling. Often, when we react with a certain emotion, it’s because our fight or flight response is engaged. We may be unconsciously recalling little traumas that were never fully processed, and even though we’re now in a different situation, we’re still having the same reaction. Encourage yourself to stay in the present and distinguish between what is happening now from the old hurts so that cooler heads can prevail.
Practice active listening
When it comes to weighing intent versus impact, it is impact at the end of the day that matters, because that’s what hurts. At the same time, many people don’t know that what they’re saying is hurtful. Allow yourself to pause and listen in conversations with your antagonistic aunt or your grudge-loving grandpa and, if possible, identify the intent behind what they’re saying. Are they communicating their own feelings of anger, hurt, or loneliness? Try responding to this, instead of the content of their words, to protect your own peace.
Bring a buffer
As the saying goes, there’s safety in numbers. Find a friend, romantic partner, or another family member who you feel safe with who’s willing to act as your emotional support person until the festivities are over. If you feel comfortable, come up with a “signal” you can send them when you need them to come to your rescue and get you out of an uncomfortable or tense situation. At the very least, having the reassurance of somebody there who always has your back can empower you to hold your own if conflict does arise.
Maintain firm boundaries
Whether it comes to topics of conversation, how and when you like to be touched, or unsolicited advice, your relatives don’t get a pass with which to violate your boundaries just because it’s the holidays. And while it can be tempting to avoid confronting others about it (“I don’t want to get into it over the holidays”), staying silent can create more conflict — in the relationship, and within yourself. Practice ways that you can firmly but gently shut down behaviors that make you uncomfortable. For example, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk about my weight,” or “let’s save the political discussions for after the holidays.”
You don’t need to give an explanation or justify yourself, even if asked, and if “let’s just move on” doesn’t put an end to it, you always have the option to remove yourself from the room. Your presence, during a holiday or any day, is a powerful tool, and you have every right to revoke the privilege of your company if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
If navigating conflict is an area you are looking to improve and explore, Talk Suite therapists are here to help you through it. We offer both individual therapy and family therapy to help family members improve communication and resolve conflicts. Reach out today to schedule an appointment.