4 Things Psychoanalysis Got Right About Love and Sex
Whenever psychoanalysis comes up in conversation with a therapist, people usually say, “you mean that Freud guy, right? Aren’t his ideas a thing of the past?” In some ways, sure – he had some misogynistic views about women, for one (for example, that their lives were driven by sexual reproductive functions and “penis envy”) – but while they may seem antiquated today, these views were considered normal, or even progressive, back then.
There are, however, a number of theories that Freud and other psychoanalysts developed that are still spot on, particularly where romance is concerned. Here are four things that psychoanalysis got right about love and sex:
1.WE REACT TO OUR PARTNERS THE WAY WE REACT TO OUR PARENTS
Transference is the experience of reacting to someone the way that you might have reacted to an earlier love object (like a parent), even though both the person and the situation now are entirely different. This is a common occurrence in the psychotherapeutic space between patient and therapist, but it can, and does, happen in any relationship, and probably in romantic relationships more than any other. The disappointment we feel when our partner lets us down reminds us of ways in which our parents let us down; fear of our partner abandoning us may stem from abandonment we felt from a parent; and so we respond accordingly. Awareness of these connections help us respond differently.
2. Sex isn’t just about sex
In psychoanalysis, we talk a lot about drives – one being the libido, and the other being aggression. However, distilling libido down to simply just “sex” does a disservice not only to the drive of libido, but to sex writ large. Simply put, libido is the drive for all kinds of pleasure or desire: sexual satisfaction, a good meal, a warm bed, emotional closeness, feeling safe and secure. When we think about why people have sex, it isn’t just for bodily gratification, but also for intimacy, communication, control, letting go. You can’t deny that Freud got it right there.
3. Ambivalence in relationships is normal
Feeling 100% love for our partner all the time may sound idyllic, but the truth is that it’s not realistic or healthy. Object relations psychoanalyst Melanie Klein noted that this is present in us from the very beginning as soon as it dawns on us as infants that our parents are separate entities from us, and within them lies not only good, happy feelings, but negative feelings as well including the power to deny us what we need (food, warmth, love). We can get that same split off feelings with our romantic partners too, but we learn to hold the good and the bad together to develop a full and complete picture of who our partner is.
4. Love gets modeled to us from a young age
What we experience as a “normal” love relationship in childhood (namely, how we see our parents show love to each other) becomes our normal in adulthood, even if that normalcy is, in actuality, not so healthy. Take fighting, for example – some fighting in relationships is normal and healthy, but if we experience frequent knock-down, drag-out fights as love between our parents, then that’s the kind of volatility you might seek in your own relationships. In fact, it might mean that if you encounter a romantic partner with whom you don’t have knock-down, drag-out fights, you may feel like maybe this person doesn’t love you all that much because they’re not showing it the way that it was demonstrated to you by your parents. Only through exploring these patterns of thought and behavior can we break the cycle.
Curious how this applies to you? Reach out to The Talk Suite Psychotherapy to get started. We offer individual and couples therapy to help clients gain a better understanding of themselves and their place in the world. This leads to positive change in the realm of romantic relationships, dating, intimacy, and sex. Schedule an appointment with us today.