Part 1: Are You Enmeshed With Your Family? (And What Does That Mean?)
While being close with your family is considered by many people to be a good thing, there’s a fine line between being close and being too close.
Enmeshment occurs when family members lack appropriate boundaries with one another, become overly dependent on each other, and feel threatened by the separation/individuation of individuals in the family. Enmeshed families typically move and act as a unit, as a “we”; when one family member tries to assert their independence, it is often discouraged, or even shunned. Enmeshed families may look happy and “perfect” from the outside, but on the inside there can be codependence, anxiety, depression, guilt, and anger.
Families are the most likely to become enmeshed, but enmeshment can happen in any relationship: romantic, platonic, and even professional. What enmeshment looks like may differ from family to family, and also depends on cultural differences and norms, but some common signs of enmeshment may include:
Expectations from your family to do certain things, act a certain way, or fulfill certain family obligations
Feelings of guilt if you don’t spend enough time with them, or for putting yourself, your work, or your friends first sometimes
Lack of respect for personal boundaries, such as wanting to know about every aspect of your life or where you are at all times; or family members sharing information with you that you would prefer not to know
Feeling a lack of identity, a lack of motivation, or feeling directionless or aimless
Difficulties in saying “no” to family
Threat of being excommunicated — physically or emotionally — if you disappoint them
Being discouraged from doing something different from them, or from what they want you to do
Ignoring what you want in favor of making them happy
But the biggest sign of enmeshment is the way that you feel about your family’s closeness. Some people are very, very close with their family, and they are happy with this. However, this level of closeness, for others, can create feelings like the ones described above, and they can become trapped in it. There’s only one way out of these kinds of entanglements, and that’s creating, and asserting, healthier boundaries. It’s not easy, especially if the enmeshment has been going on for a while, but it can be done.
Families need healthy boundaries
First try asking yourself what kinds of behaviors you are and aren’t okay with. Maybe talking about dating with your family feels okay, but talking with them about sex makes you uncomfortable. Maybe getting phone calls from them every day feels overwhelming, but once or twice a week feels like just enough. Once you decide where you want to draw the line, communicate this clearly to your family. You may get some pushback, and that’s normal. Stick to your guns and explain calmly that these boundaries will actually help you improve your relationships with your family.
Frame your boundaries in the first-person — telling them “you call me too much and it’s overwhelming” might lead to defensiveness or guilt-tripping. Instead, try saying “it feels better for me to talk only once or twice a week.” You can give a more detailed explanation if they press, but you don’t have to; you don’t owe it to them. Separating and individuating from your family starts in adolescence and is a normal, healthy process. Having a full and rich life with friends, a job, hobbies, and other sources of pleasure outside of family relationships makes the family relationships themselves richer.
Addressing enmeshment in therapy
If setting boundaries still feels difficult, try getting support from friends or seeing a mental health professional. Therapists are trained to help you explore these difficulties and the enmeshment itself, and help process feelings of guilt, anger, anxiety, and depression. Liberating yourself from enmeshment may take some time, but it’s possible and gets easier as you go. Contact us today to connect with a therapist and break free from enmeshment.