Part 2: Are You Enmeshed With Your Partner? (And What Does That Mean?)
Have you ever dated someone who gave you the feeling of “losing yourself” in the relationship? You might have been part of an enmeshed couple.
Enmeshed couples are incredibly common and are even romanticized in media (you’ve probably seen celebrity couples given cutesy tabloid names like “Bennifer” for Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, or “Brangelina” for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie). But what happens to the individuals in the couple when the couple becomes enmeshed?
What it looks like
To understand enmeshment, it’s important to explore the patterns of interactions within your family of origin. Some families lack appropriate boundaries with one another, become overly dependent on each other, and feel threatened by the separation/individuation of individuals in the family. Those who grew up in an enmeshed family are more apt to re-create unhealthy relationships as they get older (check out Part 1 of this blog series for common signs of enmeshed families).
Similarly, enmeshed couples lose their individualities and morph into a “we”, often with one person or the other speaking for the two of them as a single unit (e.g., “we love that restaurant… we hate that band”). When one half of the couple steps outside of the dyad, it is often met with accusations of betrayal, or seen as an indication that the person wants out. One or both people in the couple may become more concerned with pleasing their partner and put that person’s needs and feelings above their own. Enmeshed relationships may look super close to some even like the perfect couple — but on the inside there can be codependence, separation anxiety, depression, loss of individuality, and anger.
But enmeshment does not mean the end of the relationship! Just because you and your partner exhibit some qualities of an enmeshed couple doesn’t mean you can’t detangle yourselves from it.
How to change the dynamic
Reframe the way that you and your partner relate to one another. Make it okay for you and your partner to do things separately. If your partner really wants to see a movie that doesn’t interest you, encourage them to go anyway, whether alone or with someone else. Make this a practice for yourself for your own interests as well.
See other people; cultivate other relationships with family and friends outside of your partner. Get to know them as you and give them the opportunity to know you outside the context of your relationship.
Don’t be afraid to voice your own opinions. You don’t have to agree with everything your partner says, or like all the same things, to have a healthy relationship. In fact, it’s healthy to have diverging interests at times. Demonstrate to your partner that you can disagree on things and maintain a strong bond.
Learn to focus on yourself. Pay attention to your feelings and decide what you need for yourself to feel whole in your life outside of your partner. Being in an enmeshed relationship can take a toll on your sense of independence, other relationships, and your overall mental health.
Change doesn’t come overnight. If you’re having trouble breaking old habits, it can be helpful to get support from a mental health professional. Therapists are trained to help you explore these difficulties and the enmeshment itself and help process the feelings that come along with it. Couples therapy can also help you and your partner process enmeshment behaviors together in a safe space. Contact us today to get the support that you, your partner, or both of you need.